Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
