piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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