well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
