Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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