Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
