Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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