The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
