It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
