Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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