mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
