I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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