but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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