I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
