I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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