Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
