Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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