I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
