Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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