My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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