You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
