I want to have your abortion
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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