Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
