I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
