I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
