I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
