Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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