Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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