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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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