Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
