mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
