Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
