I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
