best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
