I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
