but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
