youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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