I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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