he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
