I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
