Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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