if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
