I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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