My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
