I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
