I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
