I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
