i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
