i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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