Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
