Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
