Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Randomize