my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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