According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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