I cannot find my penis.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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