this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think my moral compass just broke
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
