I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
