Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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