If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
