if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
